SAD, But Not Sad

Drizzle away. That’s what time does in autumn. For me anyway. It is a major struggle to get anything done. Last year was easier. I got through the whole of fall and winter without meds. This year I’m going to need the help. And that makes me sort of angry, but not really. It’s a physical thing. Something about lack of light decreases the function of serotonin and no matter how positive I try to be, how positive I am, I can’t fix it with positive thoughts. I just don’t feel positive.

I’m not sad. I’m not quite unhappy, just not exactly happy. In this state, it’s much easier to see how much I don’t measure up, that I’m so not perfect. It does no good to reassure me. I know no one is perfect and I honestly don’t expect to be the exception. I know that I do okay and sometimes even very well. As Mr. Rogers would tell me, I’m fine just the way I am. I know all of this. Knowing isn’t feeling.

I also find I get angry very easily. Momentarily it might be directed at something or someone, but I’ve come to realize those are simply petty annoyances, mild irritations easily brushed off. I don’t snap at people as quickly and am much quicker to apologize if I do, but the feeling is still there.

It has been interesting to learn that a lot of a lot of people’s anger is simply anxiety. We generally recognize anxiety as a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness, but anger is also often the expression of those feelings. As I’ve learned this about myself, I can see how it applies to others, whatever the cause of their anxiety. Stress may be the biggest cause, but SAD is a cause, too. Maybe because it creates some stress.

None of it is a logical thing. It’s all feelings, controlled not simply by emotion, but also by biochemicals. We find it hard to realize that feelings are both physical and emotional and are hard to control either way. The emotional reasons are explainable. For example, someone died and I’m sad or someone mistreated me (or anyone) and I’m angry. These emotions are not really controlled, though the expression of them is, which can be good or bad, depending on what they are, recognition, and how they’re controlled. (A negative example would be not expressing anger because of not accepting that I am angry.)

Recognition is difficult even when there are external reasons. It’s more difficult (at first, anyway) when there are no external reasons, when it’s biochemical. It plays right into that negative example above. I have no reason to be sad/angry, therefore I am not sad/angry. The thing about feelings it that they are there whether there’s a reason or not, whether we recognize/accept them or not. They just ARE. And thankfully, nowadays we can control, to some degree, the biochemical reasons, once we recognize them.

So-o-o-o-o . . .

To paraphrase a song . . . Rainy days and Fall days always get me down. (Mondays are okay. I actually like Mondays. They are new starts.) My serotonin needs adjustment. That’s why I’ve been dragging and have not stitched out my jack-o-lantern yet. That’s why I haven’t started other holiday projects yet.

Autumn is a beautiful time of the year. Very much so. But it’s also my least favorite because SAD + ADD + Holiday stress (holidays are already counterintuitive to both ADD and SAD–deadlines??? cheerfulness???) = “I want to hibernate!!” and it’s not easy just actually to do anything. So I plod along. I’ll get there eventually. I have learned (mostly) to be content with that.

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OMG! Thank you! The sun just poked out and Autumn is so beautiful! There was just a moment of gray skies with a brilliant red maple and a glowing gold cherry lighting up my living room. Just beautiful!!!

(No photo–it was just a moment)

Wow! It’s windy here, too.

Because WP apparently deactivates gifs :^[ https://airynothing.net/Sunshine!!.html

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

It’s not showing up there, either. At all. Well, It’s working on Facebook, but it lost the looping quality, so beware! It passes really fast and goes on to another video. It repeats on the post here Faith Junaid | Facebook